5 Tips on escaping Brexit

imageYeah I know. For you who have not made up your minds it’s like ‘leave me alone I need time to think’. For those of you who have it’s more ‘Bollocks. You are wrong and I am right.’ There is a halfway house. I discovered it driven by sheer desperation but it’s REAL. It’s a place you can find to help you escape the BREXITMAGEDDON that is upon us. A place to find ways to escape the social media politicos in the same way you can the TV political broadcasts. You can zap the broadcasts but you can’t zap your social media set spouting their politics et al on social media without offending them. Or can you?

Well you can. I know this because I’ve done it, do it and have had it done to me regularly. So here are my Top 5 Tips:

1: Learn how to ‘eye glaze’

This is easy. I do it all the time though especially at the back end of the month when the pay is low and the month is still there and I get those phone texts from the bank updating me on my current account. Acknowledge the bank’s name on the text. Then think of anything at all you really don’t want to know the result of on TV and just glaze your eyes over or like when the GF asks about her bum size and a jeans buy or a Holby City a Hospital emergency op scene or Porcupines mating on Springwatch and then loosen the muscles in your eyes so everything goes blurred. Trust me it works. I do this ALL the time.

2. Close your social media account

If your social media feed is Brexitstuffed you can close it for a while. Perhaps not in the case of LinkedIn which blitzes your account after 72 hours so you have to start again. Twitter and Facebook will enable you to come right out of your accounts without unliking friends or losing data then reawaken without lost history. They will penalise you for your absence though and you may lose and not gain followers on Twitter or seem to be ignored on Facebook for a while. All to do with their ‘algorithms’. Go Google that.

3. MUTE! MUTE! MUTE!

If you don’t see why you should vacate your social media platforms while all around you are BREXITBASHING for one side or another, then there is the facility in your privacy preferences to mute offenders. They will not know you have muted them so you don’t have to worry when you next bump into them on the Tube or in the office, church, shop, colonic irrigation therapy unit. You won’t see their posts anymore once you’ve muted them and it can stay that way for as long as you like. Just be mindful if you depend on your social media platform to remind you when birthdays happen and to UN-mute them after the crisis period or risk an embarrassing future social engagement when as Sod’s Law goes you will be sat on a table next to the one you muted.

4. Emigrate

Probably too late an option now but last-minute holidays could be an alternative . Best not Spain, Portugal or France where British immigrants have colonised the landscape and refuse to learn the local lingo or adopt paella instead of chips and deep-fried Mars Bars. Choose a country to go to that is not that bothered about the UK and may most likely ask you for its geo-satnav co-ordinates just to prove it exists and whether President Trump might visit some day.

5. Be Naughty

Every child knows this one. The schooling system beats it out of us all somehow yet still when we are older we still remember how to do it whether physically or in our minds, souls or spirits.

Shut your eyes. Stick your fingers in your ears. Stick your tongue out and blow for all your might and feel proud to say: “I’ll make my own bloody mind up in my good time even if that is very late in the day or last-minute but I can do this without you poncing your views repeatedly to a tiny audience on social media just because you don’t realise that it takes 3.1 times exposure to an advert for me to register your message and then decide what I want to do with it so go and boil your head.”

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